Dear Alf

Dear Alf,

Do you think it’s weird I slept with a doll of you until I was 15? It’s cool though you weren’t alone. I had a smurf doll too with a personalized “I ❤️ Adam” shirt… Yeah, pretty baller I know!

I’m deathly allergic to cats so I could never eat one like you. I’d assume cat is paleo though, so that’s rad.

Is it hard for you to diet since you have 8 stomachs? I can barely fill one on my diet. I’m supposed to eat 260 grams of protein. 1 gram per pound of body weight. Even Pablo Escobar thinks that’s a lot of grams.

Sometimes I think this diet stuff is hard, but then I realize how hard your life is. Your home planet blows up, you come to Earth, and everyone’s too lazy to give you a real name so they call you Alien Life Form (ALF). Real original Tanner family.

You’re a boss and an inspiration to all, sir. I’m excited to celebrate your 260th birthday next month, Gordon Shumway.

Love you to Melmacian and back,


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