Dear Dolph 

Dear Dolph,

Bro, you confuse me, but are a fantastic specimen of a man. I’d like your bod, but with Satllone’s looks. I fancy myself a bit more rugged than your clean cut Russian look.

Anyway, you made me cry when you killed Apollo Creed. I mean I know those communists made you do it. You’re lucky Rocky found you first. Thing is, you totally redeemed yourself when you played He-Man. Thus my confusion.

It’s was also really weird for me to see your Rocky 4 wife date Flavor Flav… I’m not even going there.

I don’t take roids like those Communists made you take. I’m on the paleo diet. It’s like all natural roids. You can still get mood swings on Paleo. When I get Hangry watch out! I’m like Clubber Lang when he goes to prison before finding boxing. RAGE!!!!!!

Since I’ve been on the diet I’ve dropped a few pounds and feel better. Don’t tell anyone but I’ve started looking for recipes on Pintrest. That’s a girl social media website, so if anyone found out I’m on there I’d never hear the end of it. The site is super tight though.

I’m totally trying hard to get a Dolph bod and not a Dad bod, not really a Rocky bod, but I’d be cool with it. How’d he beat you up anyway? Were you embarrassed? It’s cool if you were. I got beat up once but it was a cheap shot. I was 10 and my littler brother came at me like a spider monkey and forked me in the forehead right after I got up from a nap. Was totes bogus.

What was your favorite role? He-Man or Ivan Drago? My vote is He-Man.

Anyway, you’re a good dude, man. I’m sure Rocky taught you a lesson so I’m sorry if I was hard on you.

Always keeping it more real than processed cheese,


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