Dear Mario

Dear Mario,

Is it cool if I call you AC, or maybe Slater? My bros used to call me Slater since my initials are AC and I’m swoll like you. Shoot, man, that’s false. I made that nickname up in 6th grade and everyone made fun of me. No one ever called me that, but whatever. 

I dug you on Saved By the Bell. It was cool that you were anti drugs. Caffeine pills are no joke. I’m on a paleo diet so I don’t consume that stuff, cavemen didn’t have caffeine pills. I took some once in high school. It made me poop. I had to bolt out of Spanish class so fast… “Donde esta el bano, senior!!!!!”

I found out today you can’t have cheese and milk on the paleo diet? Sayyyyy what?!?! I guess cavemen didn’t have cows. Weird. 

I killed it today though on the diet. I think my beard helps me. A wiseman once said, “Look like a caveman, act like a caveman”. Lol. Jkjk, I said that. I ate a ton of meat and eggs. Someone at work brought donuts in and I held strong. You’d have been proud of me like I was proud of you for being a state champion wrestler. 

I’m going to a fantasy football draft and my bros are going to be crushing beers and wings. I’m jeally I can’t eat wingy. Tommy like wingy!!! I don’t drink though, mainly because I used to act like Lindsay Lohan. I’ll hold strong though. Can’t have a super hawt bod like you if I’m crushing those wingys on the reg. 

You’re the man, dude! I’m sticking strong to this diet for one reason, and one reason only. To be your Preppy!



Adam “Slater” Crutchfield  

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